What Happened to Eden

After I hit town, The Voice asked me to meet for a lunch date. We had continued talking and he asked a lot of questions about the other men I’d talked to, and the one I had met in person. He was one of two people who knew The Cop had come to visit before I moved, and acted as a sounding board. He had been dating much longer, he had been cheated on in a previous serious relationship, he had a child, and he wasn’t threatened by this other man. He knew that even if we hit it off in person, we would both keep dating other people, so he seemed genuinely interested in how I was coping with the dating world after eighteen years.

He probably hoped I’d work out all my timid awkward emotions with the other guys before we eventually met, but sadly, I was still awkward. I was shocked to discover that he was also awkward and almost shy. The was The Voice, after all. Our conversations turned sexy pretty fast, his deep gravely timber humming in my ears, and he’d talked a big game. First dates are always a little weird, I figured, but we’d been talking almost daily for over a month by the time we met in person.

We chatted and shared appetizers, and I’d had a good time, but something was a little off. We walked outside and he grabbed my hand so I stopped and turned. He kissed me. He kissed me so well, in fact, that after a few minutes an older woman came out of the restaurant and told us to get lost because there were children eating lunch inside. He hadn’t groped me or anything, but it was a damn good kiss.

There was more kissing at my car, but I had errands to run for Christmas, so we said goodbye. He texted later to ask for another date in two days.

The Voice was sexy, smart, opinionated, stylish, and extremely confident. Even on the second date, we hadn’t worked out the kinks. He was a muted version of his phone persona, and obviously nervous. I thought I was the one who got to be nervous and shy since I was new to dating, but I felt like I had to be brave and bubbly to put him at ease. It was flattering, but something just didn’t quite match up. Like we were a near miss collision. Please, let me be led by a man when I am so out of my depth. Don’t make me save the meal by acting like I’m confident when I am far from it.

I wrote it off as a different vibe from The Cop, but not a loss. We kept talking. I couldn’t put my finger on what was different with the The Cop. He had also told me he was nervous, but while he had put it into words, we felt more matched on our first date. Both nervous, but he knew the bar for impressing me was scraping the pavement.

Both guys had mentioned the pressure of being one of the first to take me out after eighteen years. I assured them I was very low key, not impressed by big spending, just good vibes. That’s why I chose a bar for my very first date when The Cop gave me a couple places to choose from – no food, no long drawn out disaster of a meal to sit through if it sucks, and a little liquid courage. I told them both if they were polite, acted interested even if they weren’t, and didn’t text other women while immediately in front of me, I’d be over the moon.

And I was. Even though I didn’t feel much pull toward The Voice, it was deeply flattering that he wanted to keep trying to go out and see if he could overcome whatever butterflies (do men get butterflies? moths?) were plaguing him the first two times.

The Cop called to tell me he was pausing all his dating apps. He said the apps continue to send likes and matches and it can be distracting, and he didn’t want to be distracted. My initial instinct was to say, “okay I guess me too,” because I was conditioned to be accomodating. And deep down, I didn’t feel worthy, so if he was willing to take a chance on me, I should accept. But I knew I wanted to take it easy and meet some of the other men I’d started chatting with, and it would be to his benefit. I’d only been on a handful of dates, I didn’t think I was qualified to date for real, and there was an engineer with two kids, an ER nurse with four, and an oil and gas bachelor willing to take me for a drink. Maybe I should keep trying new things for a while.

He said he understood, he’d done the same thing when he got divorced, but he was still going to pause his apps.

My birthday was fast approaching, and The Cop staked his claim early “to be first in line” assuming I’d mentioned the big day to every guy I chatted with. If I could get childcare, he wanted to take me out on a real, fancy date. I assured him I didn’t need fancy, but he insisted. He went all out, and I was duly impressed. It was a really special night, and he ordered all kinds of luxurious things for us to try together. I was embarrassed he’d spent so much on me, having never had a similar experience unless my parents took me out, but he was putting in so much effort to make the night special.

He asked how I felt about a short walk in heels to make sure I was comfortable (I wasn’t but I lied), and showed me around the area where the restaurant was located. I was new in town so every date could involve a little show and tell. We went back to his car and he said he had one more surprise. I was praying he wouldn’t spend another cent on me, it wasn’t even a milestone birthday. Or maybe it was – the first divorced birthday.

He drove us to a neighborhood that was famous around town for its light displays. They went all out, and the entire area agreed on a theme so they were cohesive. Weeks before I’d mentioned that I rarely did anything for my birthday because most people were spending time with their families or out of town so close to the holidays, and all I ever wanted to do was drive around and look at lights. Now that I had kids with bedtime requirements, it had gotten harder, and my ex never wanted to, so every couple years I’d end up going alone.

I was so grateful. It was magical. Not just the lights, which were indeed over the top, but that he listened and remembered. He heard me when I said I really wanted to look at lights, filed it away while I was wasting time chatting with duds on the app and going out with The Voice, and he’d made my wish come true. On top of all this, he also got me a gift, even though I’d told him not to. I tried to make it clear that what I’d appreciated was the thought and effort he put in so he didn’t feel like he’d have to buy me lobster every time there was a special occasion. It wasn’t that his gesture didn’t hit home, it did, but I didn’t see being “spoiled” the same way after years of a cold shoulder and a cold bed.

What I wanted was for someone to make plans. Coming over to watch a movie is a plan. Getting takeout is a plan. A walk is a plan. I had decision fatigue on a normal day as a mom of three, and the move and divorce had magnified that significantly. Tell me where to be and what clothes are appropriate. You want lobster? Awesome. Snacks and Netflix? Great.

What I needed was for someone to listen and remember. That was the gift I was going to take with me into the new year.