What Happened to Eden

Christmas came and went. It was different without my husband, and I prefered our new version. We never traveled for Christmas, it was always just us and the kids, but now we suddenly lived near our families and everyone came together to make it memorable. Where I would normally have overextended myself making cookies, an elaborate meal or three, wrapping gifts in coordinating paper, decorating our home, and making gifts for my husband’s staff, I instead stumbled along numbly. I was a spectator during my own holiday celebrations.

My family rallied around me and made sure we all felt loved and celebrated for our first Christmas facing a new reality. It was hard to be present with my kids because a nagging thought kept tugging at my mind – soon there will be a Christmas where I am not with my children. Maybe next year I will truly be alone.

Pre-split I rarely asked for help or favors. Separated Eden asked for the moon and her village delivered. I needed time to myself. I wanted to go on dates. I needed to run errands alone. I wanted to get a haircut. Whatever I asked for, my family was there. They watched my kids, helped feed us, made sure we were comfortable, and tried not to judge me and my dumpster fire of a life as I tried to remain upright. It felt selfish to take time away from responsibilities to try and find happiness when I needed to get the kids ready to start a new school and help them manage their big feelings about their parents splitting and moving almost a thousand miles from their father. I hadn’t been selfish like that since high school, so I cashed in.

I bought clothes and shoes. I rarely left the house without my kids, so I either went to church or to school pickup. I didn’t own clothes for a bar or clothes for a date. People mid-divorce shouldn’t go on a shopping spree, and I didn’t go for big name designers or anything, but still. Selfish.

My first several days without my kids would be over New Years Eve. They were going to their dad’s parents for the holiday and I’d be alone. Or, I thought I would be.

I was dreading the down time. I didn’t want to spend time in a quiet house without my kids. Alone time was becoming sacred to me, with my parents moving into my guest room to help with the kids and setting up the new house and not having a partner to tap in when I needed a moment. My parents would be staying with my sister for the days my kids were away. Bless my sister for inviting them purposely to give me a breather from the full house.

This was my chance. I lined up a dates with an engineer, an ER nurse, and an oil and gas guy, as well as The Cop. New Years Eve is a very busy time for a cop, and he’d rarely taken the night off in the past. This year he thought it might be fun to do something…with me. I hadn’t done anything fun on New Years Eve in over a decade, so I agreed immediately.

We discussed all manner of options – from low key to exorbitant and involved. In the end, we decided to stay at my place and watch movies. He was fixated on all the movies I hadn’t seen that he had loved, most of which were cult classics I’d somehow missed, so he had a running list of things I needed to watch. We planned to Netflix and chill, but keep it festive. I found caviar, a delicacy I have been obsessed with since I was a teen, and champagne, and the rest we would order in and not leave my bed.

A couple days before New Years Eve, my plans for my first mini break as a single parent changed.