What Happened to Eden

Packing a bag for my kids to spend several days away during the holidays was brutal. I knew I wasn’t being the best mom I could be, but I didn’t want them to leave, either. They needed to see their dad, but they were my tether to earth and if they left I might just float away.

One of my first full days of solitude, The Cop had plans with a friend he hadn’t seen in a while. He planned to day drink and catch up with his buddy, another cop, and I wrestled with whether it was worth the effort and makeup to go for a drink with an ER nurse who worked nights. Even if he had a day off, wouldn’t be exhausted during the day from his nocturnal lifestyle?

There was the engineer with kids who was in the middle of a messy divorce, which seemed like an odd thing for me to hold against him since I, too, was in the middle of a divorce, but we couldn’t both be disasters at the same time. That seemed a volatile choice.

An oil and gas guy who traveled constantly was still hanging around and asking to meet now that I’d moved to town. Between my custody schedule and his travel, I doubted he’d be a regular date.

The Voice wanted another chance. He’d been overhyped and under delivered and we didn’t seem to have the same chemistry on the phone as we had in person. Maybe we’d made the mistake of talking too much before meeting so we had a false sense of familiarity that didn’t hold up in real life. But I’d talked to The Cop for almost as long, so I had no idea what went wrong, really.

All the photos on my dating profile were from November, and since I was bored and needed to occupy my hands and mind, I decided to do my hair and makeup and try to take a new photo. I was nearly finished when I got a text from The Cop.

“We’re at a bar not far away. Why don’t you join us?”

We had been out several times, but never met anyone in each others’ lives, of course. That made things complicated, especially early on for a connection that might not last another month. Why would he want me to crash a reunion with an old friend? And if we did last another month, what a great way to make sure the friend absolutely hated me. He finally gets to see his buddy and he invites a woman he just met?

Meeting people in a person’s orbit tells you a lot about them. I curious, since he’d told me they’d been friends over twenty years, but wary of crashing the party. I told The Cop I wasn’t busy, but thought he should spend the day catching up like he planned and I’d see him later. He insisted. I suggested he check in with his friend. They both insisted. And then they insisted I take an Uber because drinking with cops is not for the faint of heart.

I had no plans and had already done my hair and makeup. I took one photo for my profile and then an Uber to the bar.

It was clear immediately there had been quite a lot of toasts to the past since they’d arrived several hours ago. Both were in good spirits but a little silly. The friend didn’t seem upset that I was there, which helped me relax. We talked and drank for a while, and I warned The Cop that when he eventually had to pee I was going to press his buddy for dirt on him. He encouraged me to do my worst, and excused himself.

I panicked and couldn’t think of anything to ask that didn’t make me look like a psycho. All I could think to say was, “what do you think? Is this guy a safe bet?” I expected him to laugh and say sure, he’s a good guy, which he did, but then he turned toward me and looked me straight in the eyes.

“I’d trust him with my life. And I know he told you he was fine with you dating other people, but it doesn’t seem like it’s really fine with him. He wants to be with you.”

I stared at him slack-jawed. Men pee at lightning speed and I knew I didn’t have more than a minute to absorb his words before The Cop returned. “I…what? Why didn’t he tell me that? He said he understood. He said I was married a long time and should date around a little, but he was going to pause his apps. Is he upset?”

“He seems upset. Here he comes.”

And that was it. I’d have to hope The Cop had to pee again if I came up with any coherent follow up questions. I looked at him, trying to see if what I’d just heard could be true. “Uh oh, what did he tell you?”

“Oh, nothing. He won’t tell me your secrets.”

“Thank God. It’s too early for you to know those.” He patted my knee. They started talking about an old cop who had retired, and I watched them closely. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, but their friendship went back twenty-six years. Maybe this guy knew what he was talking about.

They were plying me with drinks and I had to pee, but I was afraid to leave, knowing they might talk about me the way I had asked for dirt before. Eventually my bladder won and I got up to use the bathroom and took my phone. While I was out of sight, I looked at the guys I had planned to go out with over my mini break.

On their own, they were fine. Probably worth giving a chance, since I didn’t have anything better to do. I thought about how I’d feel if The Cop asked me out for any of those evenings when I might have a date with another man, and I knew each one would get cancelled on for him. I was dating around because I was supposed to. The first date isn’t supposed to go well, and no one is supposed to want a mom mid-divorce. I never expected to like anyone this quickly, or for it to feel so easy.

Hours passed and we all drank more than our fill. Each time The Cop got up to pee, I tried to get clarification from his friend without sounding completely hysterical. He really wasn’t dating anyone else? Is this a regular thing for him, or does he not do relationships? And most importantly, would he trust The Cop with his own daughter?

“Well, that’s gross since he’s known her since she was born, but yes. I would trust him. He is a good guy.”

“Why didn’t he tell me he was upset?”

“Cops don’t talk about their feelings. He’s been through a lot, so if you’re not into him, you need to be clear. Don’t hurt him.”

Me?! Me hurt him? I was so worried about getting my own feelings hurt I didn’t consider he might also be a little fragile underneath. If you’re both dating other people you can’t be cheated on, because there is no cheating. If I stopped looking for backup men for when The Cop wasn’t available, I’d risk getting hurt all over again.

Aside from the risk, what was I really giving up? Experiences, for sure. I’d never dated an engineer, an ER nurse, or an oil and gas man. With the magic of technology I could look back over all of our conversations and see that no one did witty banter like The Cop. No one made me laugh the way he did. And the sex was…surely it wouldn’t get better than him. No one put in work the way he did. I’d never had that much attention paid to every part of my body, nor had someone care so deeply what I wanted and would enjoy most. I had no doubt things would change over time the way they do in every relationship, but we were starting out on a high note, at least for me.

We were about to call it a night when his friend went to the bathroom. I leaned in and told The Cop I had also decided to pause my dating app, and would not go out with anyone else. He smiled.

“What changed your mind?”

“You.”

I called an Uber and took him home with me.